Facebook Instagram Twitter Youtube
    Latest

    Satire

    Home Satire Page 2

    Who’s Adding or Removing The PM From Their Christmas Card List?

    By
    Kenelm Tonkin
    -
    0

    Apparently, many are adding or removing Australian Prime Minister, Anthony Albanese, from their Christmas card mailing list.

    Here are the notable ten …

    1. Novak Djokovic, added. Despite new covid cases being less last year on 30 Dec 2021 at 33,811 when Mr. Djokovic was in Australia last and the numbers being higher now at 39,695 on 29 Dec 2022, the tennis superstar is just grateful to play in Adelaide and Melbourne. Logic? Huh! Plus, the PM overlooked that the ace still hasn’t had the jab. All cool Mr. Djokovic. All cool.

    Andrew Gee, added. The obscure National MP who resigned to campaign for The Voice will need all the political friends he can get on the crossbench. Liberty Itch hears the last-term Member for Calare will be sitting snugly between Zali Steggall and Adam Bandt. Wowsers!

    Kevin Rudd, removed. Despite the PM appointing him US Ambassador, the livid Mr. Rudd reportedly demanded Albo lobby the US President on his behalf for DNC Chair and UN Secretary-General too as part of a salary-stacking package. Air stewards understandably taking leave without pay to avoid the Brissie to DC route.

    Jakob Stausholm, added. The Rio Tinto CEO is grateful for the $450 million government largesse to counter the coal and gas price caps. Public-private partnerships in a controlled economy. What could go wrong!

    Justin Trudeau, removed. The Canadian PM reportedly ticked to learn Albo won the Xi Jinping Popularity contest at G20 Bali despite drawing on all his experience as a part-time drama teacher to strut his stuff and put on the theatrics on the world stage.

    Share Liberty Itch

    Matt Keen, added. The NSW Liberal Deputy Leader enjoying an infatuation with the Labor PM over coal and gas price caps. Centralised command and control. A Modern Liberal’s delight. Merry Christmas.

    Sanna Marin, removed. Finland’s social democratic PM disappointed that Australia is not weaning itself off CCP economic reliance. Who’s have imagined? Common sense.

    Sanna Marin. Prime Minister. Finland.

    Xi Jingping, reportedly added. Relieved. He’d take anyone after Scott Morrison.

    Isai Ing-wen, added then removed. Any parliamentary delegation from Australia would have been welcomed by the Taiwanese President. Then Albo spoiled it by sending Barnaby.

    Oil and Gas Protesters, removed. The PM is a climate-denying RWNJ, don’t you know.

    VIDEO: ‘Twas The Week Before Christmas

    By
    Kenelm Tonkin
    -
    0

    Jim Chalmer’s High School Economics Textbook Writes A Letter To Australia

    By
    Kenelm Tonkin
    -
    0

    Dear Australians,

    It’s not my fault!

    I begged Jim to read the chapter on the dangers of price capping.

    But back at school, which is the last time he thumbed through any of my pages, he skipped the whole chapter, no yellow highlighter in sight. Skipped monetary policy, Chicago and Austrian Schools too, all the good stuff.

    Of course, every single word on Keynesian economics and taxation is highlighted yellow. And Das Kapital next to me on the bookshelf, entirely coloured with a busy pink highlighter. Pink. Apt. I knew something was suspect from the start with this kid.

    But I’m still on his hallway bookshelf fighting the fight.

    Every morning as he walks by, I implore him, “Jim, don’t interfere with the free market. Don’t do it, son.”

    What does he go and do?

    Gas and coal price caps. Straight out market interference.

    Says he wants everyone to have electricity at a fair price.

    Darnation!

    What can I say? He was a C- in economics at school.

    Day after relentless day, I challenge Jim: “What do you think happens if you artificially restrict prices below the market rate?”

    Sometimes he slows down and turns to me as if he’s finally heard something.

    Then I seize the moment, “Everyone will want to buy. Demand spike, Jim. A surge in demand.”

    He doesn’t stop to listen for long.

    When he comes home in the evening and walks by, I drive home the point, “And do you think companies are going to want to supply the market when the prices are forced low by you, Jim?”

    “Not likely, right? Jim? JIM??

    He switches off all the lights in the evening, unbeknown to him that’s good practice for the blackouts he’s causing down the track and, with exquisite timing, I yell out “Shortages, Jim. People will miss out altogether, your fair price be damned. Then soaring prices the moment you release the cap in 12 months because of the lack of supply, Jim. It’s all there on page 147 if only you’d highlighted it!”

    He doesn’t sleep well at night right now. Maybe my words are subliminally getting through. I dumb it down for him as best I can, “Jim, price caps below market rate = demand up + supply down = shortages!”

    What can I say? C-.

    It’s not my fault.

    I guess Das Kapital will only be read during daylight hours in the future.

    Yours sincerely,

    Jim Chalmer’s High School Economics Textbook

    Annastacia Palaszczuk’s “Stay Safe” Checklist for Nanny State Devotees

    By
    Kenelm Tonkin
    -
    0

    Stay safe, Queensland – tie your shoelaces with a double clove-hitch knot just to be certain

    Stay safe, Queensland – it’s set to rain today so bring your high-viz, rubber-shaft-and-handle umbrella

    Stay safe, Queensland – only kiss your wife if she’s wearing two N95 covid masks

    Stay safe, Queensland – lock your house when you leave in the morning and double-check the spare keys under the doormat and pot-plant

    1. Stay safe, Queensland – walk only on the designated footpath, stepping on cracks permitted but not recommended
    2. Stay safe, Queensland – blow your nose in private with a government-certified 4-ply disposable tissue
    3. Stay safe, Queensland – lift heavy objects from a squatting position
    4. Stay safe, Queensland – only cross the road at a designated pedestrian crossingShare Liberty Itch
    5. Stay safe, Queensland – avoid reading Dr. Seuss to your child
    6. Stay safe, Queensland – wear your seat-belt when towing your boat up the ramp from the water or face a $365 on-the-spot fine
    7. Stay safe, Queensland – no sex with your husband unless he unpacks the dishwasher and wears a condom, in that order but not simultaneously
    8. Stay safe, Queensland – last drinks are at 2am!

    Government: protecting you more and more each day. Your safety guaranteed.

    Freedom? We’ll get back to you.

    JUST IN: Job Application for Chief Economic Advisor to the Australian Greens

    By
    Kenelm Tonkin
    -
    1

    Dear Comrade,

    I take great pleasure in applying for the role of Chief Economic Advisorto the Australian Greens.

    First, I graduated from the University of Sydney with a Bachelor of Arts where I studied post-colonial free verse poets from the sub-Saharan former British Empire.

    With that lower-second Honours degree, I was fast-tracked into a full-time Masters for Gender Studies at La Trobe University, completing the program in near record time over six years.

    After pursuing a range of micro-credentials in permaculture heat-dung power generation, discrediting Keynesian radicalism, and fourth-wave feminist sexology, I’m proud to say I was and continue to be the first PhD candidate at the University of the Sunshine Coast where I’m immersed in much-needed research on “The socio-cultural impact of changing gender roles, polyamory and gender stereotyping within the cis men patriarchy.”

    Wishing to apply this experience into other disciplines, I combined a recent backpacking holiday in Central Java with online course study at nights through Oxford … that’s Oxford Secretarial and Business Community College in Baturaden, Indonesia where I did an Advanced Business Certificate in bookkeeping and barista.

    Returning to Australia, I launched my career as a social entrepreneur, opening a transgender vegan café in Brunswick, Melbourne. There I implemented pioneering social policies including the introduction of a white male $5 levy for which I generated much publicity in The Age and employing an all-queer, all-trans-people-of-colour staff. Further, I secured eye-opening, urgent experience with external professionals appointed to my company, including an in-depth, unexpected study of Australia’s insolvency regime.

    With these credentials, as well as my subsequent quota-appointed role with Senator Sarah Hanson-Young, my love for Mother Earth, and a further micro-credential in kafkatrapping, I believe I am well-placed to be the Chief Economic Advisor for the Australian Greens.

    In particular, my skills could be advantageously shared to refocus attention from simplistic and now discredited Western economic concepts like supply, demand, and budgets, to high-priority areas like “Redistribution Policy for Pandemics, Pollution and Puppies” and transitioning Australia to a net-zero economy, meaning everything is ‘free’.

    I commend my application to you.

    Yours sincerely,

    Dr. Taloulah O’Toole Ph.D (Candidate Emeritus), MA, BA, Advanced Business Certificate (Oxon)

    P.S. Oh, yes! If the position is offered to a comrade higher on the victimhood ladder, I’d also be available to make the tie-dyed T-shirts, hemp belts, and vegan coffees.

    Possible Legal Defences For The Adelaide CCP Consulate “Officers” Caught Ballot Harvesting

    By
    Kenelm Tonkin
    -
    0

    BREAKING: ADELAIDE, AUSTALIA.

    Liberty Itch has obtained a copy of possible legal defences to be mounted by Adelaide-based CCP “we’re not spies” officers in the District Court of South Australia.

    The operatives were caught illegally harvesting Adelaide City Council ballots earlier this week in a media sting which may see the pair do jail time.

    The canvassed legal defences include:

    1. “We have a long history facilitating democracy and this was just another example, Your Honour!”
    2. “We were just making sure the ballots were in the official language for the Adelaide City Council election, Mandarin:
    3. “FU. We’re diplomats. We have diplomatic immunity.”

    Original Movie Titles, If The Libertarian Director Had His Way

    By
    Kenelm Tonkin
    -
    0
    1. Liberalising the Labour Market
      (Gone With The Wind)

    The Evils of Monopoly
    (Citizen Kane)

    Life, Liberty and Happiness, Bar the Bunny
    (Fatal Attraction)

    Rule of Law Prevails
    (A Few Good Men)

    Black-Market Complications and a Tax-Funded Cop Run Ragged
    (No Country For Old Men)

    Homeschooler Rejects NSA Code-Breaker Job
    (Good Will Hunting)

    Free Will and the Red Pill
    (The Matrix)

    Libertarian or Anarcist?
    (Lawrence of Arabia)

    Resist Tyranny
    (Gladiator)

    Escaping the Surveillance State
    (The Truman Show)

    Short Imagined Conversation with a Voice To Parliament Advocate

    By
    Kenelm Tonkin
    -
    0

    A Citizen (C) and a Voice To Parliament advocate (VtP) bump into each other. A conversation ensues …

    C:           Hi there. What’s news?

    VtP:       We’re going to have a Voice to Parliament.

    C:           What’s that?

    VtP:       An advisory body for First Nations people.

    C:           The Sumerians?

    VtP:       Who?

    C:           Oh, you mean Aboriginal people.

    VtP:       We don’t use that word anymore. It’s not inclusive.

    C:           Sorry. Indigenous people.

    VtP:       We don’t use that word anymore either.

    C:           Sorry. I’m finding it hard to keep up.

    VtP:       That’s another reason why we need a Voice to Parliament.

    C:           Which is an advisory body unique to the “First Nations” people?

    VtP:       Exactly.

    C:           Like The Australian Institute of Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Studies?

    VtP:       Yes

    C:           and The Lowitja Institute?

    VtP:       Yes

    C:           and Australian Indigenous HealthNetInfo?

    VtP:       Right…

    C:           and The Closing the Gap Report?

    VtP:       What’s your point …

    C:           and The National Aboriginal and Islander Day Observance Committee, the National Native Title Tribunal, the Indigenous Land Corporation, the Registrar of Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Corporations, the National Indigenous Australians Agency, the National Indigenous Council, the National Congress of Australia’s First Peoples, all the Aboriginal Land Councils, all the State and Territory Departments of Indigenous Affairs …

    VtP:       What are you trying to say?

    C:           and The National Native Title Tribunal?

    VtP:       Stop!

    C:           Don’t you think our fellow citizens of Indigenous descent have a huge amount of special representation already?

    VtP:       More can be done.

    C:           Eleven in the House of Representatives and Senate. Pretty good already, right?

    VtP:       You don’t understand. The Voice to Parliament will have all legislation affecting First Nations people referred to it for review.

    C:           Oh, I see. So since Indigenous people are Australian and subject to every law in the country, every bill will go through the Voice, yes?

    VtP:       I guess so.

    C:           So, we’ll have the House of Representatives, the Senate and the Voice to Parliament, three bodies or chambers of the Commonwealth Parliament, right?

    VtP:       It’s an idea whose time has come.

    C:           Brilliant. Fantastic. So, we have a House of Representatives with 151 elected members, and 76 elected senators, and … sorry, how will members of the Voice to Parliament be elected?

    VtP:       They’ll be appointed.

    C:           Not elected?

    VtP:       Appointed, elected, these are just details. Does it really matter?

    C:           Not really. Liberal democracy: highly overrated, right? And who’ll do the appointing? Who’ll qualify to sit in the Voice to Parliament?

    VtP:       First Nations people, of course.

    C:           Just one ethnicity?

    VtP:       Of course, that’s the whole point.

    C:           Sensational. I see the vision now. An all-Aboriginal chamber of parliament. Perfect. A race-based ethno-chamber of the legislature. The 1970s Afrikaans would have loved this.

    VtP:       Who?

    C:           And what about the Cornish Australians? They could have a Pirate to Parliament. They need representation too. And the Italian Australians? They’d have the Piazza to Parliament, Greeks’ the Parthenon to Parliament and Chinese Australians would have the CCP to Parliament. Everyone needs their own special dictatorial ethno-chamber, right? I’m all in.

    VtP:       No. No. Just the Aboriginal people.

    C:           We don’t use that word anymore. It’s not inclusive!

    12Page 2 of 2

    Popular Posts

    My Favorites

    We Ignore The Erosion of Democracy At Our Peril

    Gerardine Hoogland - 1
    Niccolo Machiavelli wrote that if a republic is to live long, it is necessary to draw it back often toward its beginning. “For all the...

    Section 51(xxvi). Repeal. Rescind. Delete!

    The Libertarian ACT Party’s Influence On The New Coalition Government

    Caught! CCP captured in media sting interfering in the Adelaide City...

    Popular Categories

    © Newsmag WordPress Theme by TagDiv